You know the type – stays in an abusive relationship because she doesn’t know any other way to feel loved. Lets her boyfriend or husband call her stupid or lazy and tell her that she’s no good and couldn’t do anything on her own, and eventually she starts to believe it because she hears it so often. The woman who won’t talk to friends or family because she’s embarrassed and ashamed that she ended up this way. Then he leaves her and the kids with no support, no job, nothing, and she says she had no idea it was coming. We see them, and the two conclusions are that some men are scum and we would never let ourselves get into a situation like that.

But I’m having to reevaluate that. Sometimes the guy isn’t obviously scum, he’s a pretty good guy. He isn’t perfect, but he wants to do a good job of loving his wife and children and providing them support. But life is hard and working for “the man” is depressing and the world sells us dreams of glamour and glory. So he works more hours, or a second job, to bring in more money. Or he starts his own business with dreams of being his own boss one day. There isn’t as much time for the family, but it’s only temporary. And if the wife nags sometimes about how much time it’s taking, reassure her that it will all be great once you get established, you’ll have plenty of time for the family.

In fact, he wants to do such a great job of taking care of his family, that he tells his wife to stay home and not work outside the house. Not necessarily from some male ego that she shouldn’t be contributing to the household, not even jealousy that she may want to talk to other people sometimes, but from some strong desire to be a good enough provider that his wife can (read should) stay at home with the kids and never ever have to work outside the house. This good desire gets a bit twisted when it ignores that the wife may need some external stimulation and exposure, and to use and build skills in a work setting. But the intention is to do what he thinks is the right thing.

He is working so hard to be the provider that he also blocks her out of the finances, reassuring her that there is money for what she and the kids need, so go ahead and buy things, without sharing any details of the good or the struggle. This is a form of protection that is really an insidious curse. Too many women have realized after their husband’s death that they know nothing about their current financial situation or how to make the day to day, short-term and long-term decisions that need to be made. A truly thoughtful husband would regularly discuss their finances, full disclosure, so that the wife is comfortable with how it is all set up in case she ever needs to do anything with it. I can’t relate to this one since I’ve run the finances in our house all our marriage, it’s just my gift and works out well for us.

But this man I’m discussing continues to make decisions on his own, often without soliciting or listening to his wife’s input. And sometimes life throws a curveball that scares him, be it an additional child or buying a house or taking a business to the next level, and instead of revealing all the fears and discussing the complexities and options and sharing that journey with his spouse, he makes abrupt decisions and brooks no discussion from anyone. When it turns out to be a good decision, this works out ok in the short-term but sets a bad pattern for the future. When it is a bad decision it builds a ball of resentment in him that he was forced to make this decision on his own and it didn’t work out.

On the personal side, he may find that discussions with his wife are uncomfortable. She tries to express her feelings and he only sees an implied attack in it, instead of realizing she is really being very trusting and vulnerable with him as she shares these things. Maybe she turns to him for help and he recoils in disgust at someone being so needy or imperfect. It isn’t that he doesn’t love her, just that he isn’t sure how to help her. Perhaps her weaknesses shine a light on his own weaknesses and no one finds that enjoyable. He turns from her in self-protection. Over time, instead of seeing her weaknesses as a special area for his love and protection, he finds himself wearied by the unrelenting need she has for him. Some of this he created himself, refusing her the opportunity for independence and external supports. But the cause does not matter, only the need to get away from it and the constant reminders that he hasn’t been enough for her all these years since she obviously still needs something.

But, this post is about the woman. She has tried to be a good wife, build a good home, and figure out how to meet some of her own needs. Her husband has reassured her that all her fears of a failed marriage are groundless and done his best to convince her by showing her that she doesn’t have to leave the kids to work a job, that he has the finances under control, that he can meet her every need. And she has found all of that hard to believe or trust, but tried not to question him too often, learning to believe him when he promises her that he will always be there. Perhaps he didn’t set out to isolate her, to make her question her ability to do anything on her own, to leave her with no skills or experience outside the house. Surely he did mean to keep his promises made to calm her fears. But life can be difficult, and sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. Or maybe the grass just looks so brown and dry over here. So, one day he’s talking about replacing the carpet and hanging pictures, and the next day he announces that he’s leaving.

His words and actions prove to her that her fear of a failed family and a husband who would leave her was right all along. She is dependent on him for any support of her children or herself, but he’s proven that he’s not trustworthy. Now he is angry and he knows all of her fears and weaknesses because she’s been showing them to him for years. Somehow divorce usually involves the immature so the threats, stilted communication, avoidance behaviors all put the insecure woman at a disadvantage. Maybe it isn’t all mean on purpose, but it is easy to see how a man who used to say he loved you and knows your buttons could be pushing all those buttons now, maybe even without thought like siblings do so often.

I bet you assume this is about Alison and Dave. And of course some of it is. But I’m realizing this is my parents, my aunt, my sister, perhaps even Anthony and Dave’s parents. I’m still trying to understand how a family can end up here, at the bottom of a hole. I want to understand so I can help this family heal, so I can protect my own family, and the families that are dear to me.

And I have a list of men I’m revisiting every once in awhile to remind myself not all men are scum. My husband is at the top of the list, of course. Trent, Don (curmudgeon yes, scum absolutely not), Rick, Bill, Pastor David, Bryan, Jed, Clint, Uncle James, Jerry, Leonard, Mike, the HoJ…

Anthony’s parents split when he was still in school. His mom took the youngest brother and their sister away, leaving Anthony and Dave with their dad. Actually, Anthony refused to go with her, he knew she was wrong to leave and he didn’t want to go with her. He loved her and missed her and still cries sometimes about it, but he stayed to support his dad, and hoped that his mother would realize she was wrong and come home.

Things changed and Anthony and David were actually without a home for awhile, before moving in with their aunt and grandfather. Anthony stayed focused and got through high school and into college, and out of the house. Then he took care of getting David to a supportive home. What he thought was best for him. And Dave seemed to flourish there, graduating from high school a few years later with flying colors and a good network of friends.

When I met them, they were close but competitive, trying to one-up each other. That seemed to mellow as they matured, although they always enjoyed comparing notes and seemed to have some scorecard they were updating. They both loved computers, and then the internet, and all the gadgets. Dave pulled ahead in the internet marketing and Anthony loved that he could call up Dave and talk about something and pick Dave’s brain for knowledge and experience.

When Alison told us that David had left, we rushed up here. I insisted, I couldn’t imagine David doing this and I couldn’t let Alison go through it alone. The next night David came by the house and we knew it might be our only chance to talk to him. David seemed upset to see us, but eventually agreed to talk, outside in the driveway though, not in the house. We put on coats and headed out. David seemed headed toward his car, so I was a little glad Anthony had moved his truck to at least slow David down if he tried to leave. We just wanted to talk to him.

David turned around and actually started the conversation by stating that he understood why we were there and that he would be doing the same thing in our place. But he quickly moved into being angry that we were there and that we wanted to talk to him. Anthony tried to tell Dave that he was in (spiritual) danger, and we both reminded him that what he was doing was a sin and he should know better.

Anyway, after Dave’s non-explanation, Anthony went to move the truck so Dave could easily get out of the driveway. Dave wasn’t listening to us and he wasn’t clearing anything up, but nothing was to be gained from the stalemate. Anthony moved the truck and I went inside to get warm. A few minutes later Dave was still out there because Alison went out to beg him again to come home and work on their marriage. Finally we all left him standing there and he drove away.

That night Anthony put up his website letters to dave navarro where he posted pictures of Dave’s family to remind him of what he was leaving, and a letter asking him to do what was right and come home. Anthony posted a link to that website on his facebook profile and a few other people visited the site and wrote letters. Anthony has continued to post there, usually pulling words from David’s own business site or interviews and showing how his current behavior makes no sense in light of what Dave has always said.

Dave had a business trip in NY, so Alison and the boys came to spend the weekend with us, and while at our house Alison explained to the younger boys that Dad wasn’t going to be living with them for a while because he had to work, but that he still loves them and will see them as often as he can. While we’ve had conversations with Jacob (15), mostly to give him an opportunity to talk through his feelings, Alison is the only one who has said anything to the younger boys about Dave. Anthony and I don’t want to get into that role of talking about where Dave is or what he’s doing, and Alison has fielded the few comments that have come from them. The younger ones don’t have access to the internet so they haven’t seen the website. Jacob has seen it and doesn’t think it will help things.

Based on one face to face where actually I think Jacob and I did more of the talking, and the website that isn’t even on the first two pages of a Google search of Dave’s name or business, David has declared the house is a hostile environment and that Anthony is exerting some influence over his children to alienate them from their father.

Anthony has been in Charlotte most of the past week and David hasn’t spoken to his two youngest children in over 2 weeks so he has no idea how they feel about him. He has emailed Anthony to threaten that he’s engaging a libel lawyer (sorry Dave, it has to not be the truth to be libel) and gotten his lawyer to tell Alison’s lawyer that she needs to limit Anthony’s access to the boys. Here is a male role-model, being loving, faithful, (with an iPhone and iPad full of cool games), and a large share of Alison’s support base, and David wants to run him off. Why is David doing this to his brother and his wife and children? What are we supposed to think about Dave when this is how he reacts?

…not a goal.

I mentioned in an earlier post that Dave said he was leaving his family because he wanted to be “happy” and I could spend plenty of time talking about why I don’t care for that concept. My aunt caught it too when she read my blog and we talked about how happiness is not a goal. Happiness is fleeting, and a moving target. What makes me happy today (dessert) won’t make me happy later (when my pants don’t fit).

What is lasting is contentment and peace, and often we have to be unhappy for a bit to get those. We have to obey and do the right thing. This is why Dave and Alison have taught their children, and continue that work, to share, to play nice, not to call each other names or hit. But it’s like Dave has forgotten those rules from kindergarten and he’s throwing away so much that is precious just so he can be happy. But whoever or whatever is making him happy right now will not last.

Happiness doesn’t last. Contentment isn’t easy, it requires hard work at times. It involves disciplining the mind and emotions so the shiny new things don’t distract us from the path. And it takes courage. It is often easier to avoid the truth, or try to evade the consequences, or justify ourselves in some way. But that doesn’t work for the athlete, it doesn’t work for the scholar, and it doesn’t work for a person looking to live with integrity.

Definition of INTEGRITY

1

: firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : incorruptibility

2

: an unimpaired condition : soundness

3

: the quality or state of being complete or undivided :

We all struggle with integrity. It is so easy to say one thing and do another without even stopping to realize we obviously don’t believe what we say because our actions show the lie. Sometimes it’s small things, like saying we really want to lose weight and then eating the dessert because we actually prefer the happiness right now over the future goal of weight loss. This is just one example of where it takes effort to find the motivation to live as we really want instead of giving in to our impulses.

But when we live with people, love them, trust them, we come to expect a certain level of integrity. When a man tells his wife that he will never leave her and that he doesn’t want his family to ever be torn apart by divorce like his parents did, that means you trust that he will work hard even during the bad times to keep that from happening. You don’t think he’ll just give up one day because he wants to go do something else and “be happy”. How can he really be happy when his actions cause so much hurt to his wife and children?

And the evidence from countless other similar experiences is that he probably will find that happiness is fleeting and then he’ll know regret because when trust is lost it is very hard to regain. When scars are inflicted, they can’t be erased. Anything built after this will be a little off, less than completely right. Sure, all our efforts are imperfect, but this experience will add another layer of damage.

Or perhaps he will never see that what he has done is so wrong. He seems to feel that he is perfectly in the right and any efforts we make to understand what he has done or to express to him our hurt and fear and disappointment is met with anger and draws comments from him about our hostility and interference with his life. I don’t understand how he can completely ignore the pain of his family, the hard steps he is making his wife take (the kind of hard steps you should have a loving partner to share the burden with), or the accusations and attacks against his own brother.

He has avoided any discussions as if he is too afraid of the conflict that might come up as he has to defend his actions against people who don’t wholeheartedly agree with him. He is distorting reality and using it to excuse his inexcusable behavior. And he’s breaking our hearts.

Sorry, I’m still living this so it’s what I’m blogging about.

The Tuesday that Anthony and I talked with Dave to ask him what in the world he was doing, he made some comment about he had to be the adult (or grownup, I don’t remember which word he used) because Alison wasn’t. But his behavior since 10/31 has not been very adult-like. He dropped a bomb and walked away and seems offended that we are still picking up the pieces.

First, even if he thinks this was coming all along, everyone else seems to be shocked. The responsible way to handle that is to bear the pain and agony of consistently telling his reasons and his thinking to the people that need to hear it. That includes his wife, the former pastor that is trying to contact him, and his family. (He doesn’t seem to have any current friends who aren’t in business with him.) He just has to keep saying it and looking us in the eye when he says it, or he has no right to be indignant when we refuse to believe him. David won’t look any of us in the eyes, he is angry that we want to hear him explain himself more than his short story. And what Alison, the counselor, and we heard was all different. Even if he actually said the same thing to all of us, it’s like visiting the doctor while he’s explaining that you have cancer and then he goes on to talk about the options and odds. You have to hear it repeated because your brain can’t process it all at once. It just doesn’t make sense that a man who declared divorce was a terrible thing and promised he would never leave his family and has notes all over the house about working to keep his marriage healthy would suddenly walk out this way. Alison is having to tell her family that they were right about Dave all along.

Second, if he actually loves his wife and children as much as he says he does, he would be with them. Not to give them false hope, but to provide his presence and comfort as they worked to absorb the fact that he is leaving. Dave was here a few times after he first walked out, but not to deal with his decision. He didn’t talk more to Alison or prepare to say anything to the kids. Then he worked on his business one weekend, let his brother scare him off the next week, and left for New York the next weekend.

Third, if he were an adult, aware of his weaknesses and needs, he would deal with why he has such a strained relationship with Anthony and seek counseling to work through it. They have always been a bit competitive as brothers, trying to one-up each other even in playing games. But over the past 10 or 15 years I thought they had moved beyond that to share more of their lives as men, husbands, father/uncle. But apparently Dave is still intimidated by Anthony so that just finding out we were here and wanted to talk to him upset him. Since then Anthony has put up a website asking Dave to come home and be a father and husband. The content is not threatening or designed to humiliate Dave, just to remind him and others that the public persona of his business is not consistent with the actions he is taking now. Dave, however, sees it and Anthony as creating a hostile environment.

Fourth, he would understand that all of this takes time and energy. Coming to terms with the fact that all the trust in the promises and faithfulness of Dave was misplaced doesn’t happen overnight. It takes even longer when Dave won’t talk or respond to queries about why he is acting so strangely. Dealing with the emotional upheaval of being abandoned in such a way takes time. But Dave seems to be in a hurry to get all the legal pieces in place, perhaps so he can quickly get back to focusing on his business.

Fifth, he wouldn’t rely on vague comments that there is more to the story. He walked out, telling his wife to take care of the house and kids and give him space. But every once in awhile he drops a comment (usually to their oldest son) that there are things he doesn’t want to have to say in front of him. If he loves Alison as he told the school counselor, he wouldn’t want to hurt her. Is he being childish throwing this out or is he setting some stage for later actions? Either way, adult behavior wouldn’t even bring it up as a ploy.

Alison begged him to come home, telling him she needed him to keep this family together and going. He asked what she would do if he were killed. This is a really childish comment, since the two are really not comparable. The tragic death of a parent in a loving relationship is painful and has lasting effects. But the damage done by a divorce, where one parent consciously moves forward with ripping everything apart for their own happiness is not at all the same. Sure, either way Alison would have to be strong and make it work, but in this situation David is still here and affecting the tenor of the whole situation by his presence or absence, and by his words and actions. And he is capable, if he were willing, of coming home.