As the child of a divorce, married to a child of a divorce, watching the self-destruction of other children of divorces, I just don’t have patience for it. I know marriage is hard. Communication is hard. Setting and being clear about expectations is hard. Holding up your end of the bargain is hard. Staying when they aren’t holding up their end is hard.

Walking away from what you share is hard. Losing the relationships that-might-have-been with your children is hard. Figuring out how to talk with people who think you were wrong to do it is hard.

Months and months ago I heard some positive remarks about a book called The Three Weissmanns of Westport. It’s a modern retelling of Sense and Sensibility (if you’ve read S&S in the past few years, you’ll have this figured out within the first chapter). I bought it months ago and just didn’t get to reading it. The timing is probably about right, because now I was ready to read it.

In S&S, it is the father’s son from his first marriage who is charged to take care of the father’s second wife and 3 daughters after his death. This modern retelling changes it up a bit, and it is actually a divorce of the parents after 48 years that leads to the reduced circumstances of the wife and daughters. The bits about the divorce really hit home.

For example: p3 (the first page of the book)

Irreconcilable differences? she said. Of course there were irreconcilable differences. What on earth does that have to do with divorce?

The author of the book goes on to explain that it really had nothing to do with this divorce. It was really that Joe was “in love” with a younger woman, but that isn’t the reason he gave his wife.

Joe can’t figure out why his daughters are so mad at him and why they don’t want him to be happy. They can’t figure out why he’d do something so cruel and selfish as to abandon their mother.

The oldest daughter is thinking about him at one point (p65):

Annie thought fondly of her father for a moment. She almost wished he had died, she realized with shame, for then she would have been able to remember him as he had been, distant but in a quiet, patient, and reassuring way, someone she admired and looked up to and relied on. Instead, he was a living, unreliable, despicable deserter.

A little further on was this (p90):

Joseph had not spent all his time playing with the girls. He had been a work, and when he was home, he had agonized about work. Joseph wanted to build a future for his family. That’s what he told her at night when they lay in bed, arms around each other, dreaming of all the good things that would someday come their way. Well, Betty thought, here we are in the future, and what good did all of Joseph’s planning and concern do them?

In some ways the fact that this book so closely resembles some of the reality we are seeing right now is comforting. I did like how the author Catherine Schine showed how Joe did regret his decision and wish he could undo it a few times. But he can’t seem to figure out a way to undo what he’s done. And he’s easily satisfied by some small remark, that he is just fine with his new girlfriend.

One of the most telling moments in S&S in early in the book when the older son’s wife uses his generosity to somehow bring him down to barely giving anything at all to his father’s second wife and daughters. This book has the same scene, with the new girlfriend and her greedy desire to have his nice apartment, convincing Joe that his ex-wife can’t afford the maintenance and effort involved so he should keep the apartment and maybe give her some of the value instead. It’s amazing how his intention to be generous to his wife of 48 years, turns into months of no money at all due to legal discussions and exiles her from New York to live off the generosity of distant family.

In the novel, the daughters have their own relationship issues, but it was definitely the divorce of the parents that I found most interesting this time around. If you are thinking about divorce, maybe reading this novel will help you see some of the reasons it is worth putting in the effort to fix yourself and your marriage instead. Or at least understand why you will be considered selfish and making a huge mistake by some people if you go ahead with it.

One of the few plot points that most aggravates me in a book or movie is the bad guy who misinterprets the hero’s motivations because he assumes the hero is as selfish and self-centered as he is. I much prefer a bad guy who is at least mature enough to realize not everyone has his same perspective.

This need for understanding goes both ways. I am frustrated and confused when I can’t figure out why someone I know and care about is doing something harmful. I want communication so we can figure it out. It may not be a good reason, but I’m ok with that. If I can just know what it is.

I guess all of this means that refusing to talk with me and explain why you are doing something, or repeatedly misunderstanding and misinterpreting my actions without trying to understand my reasons are the best ways to cause me distress and pain.

My Christmas present also makes me cry. I remember slow dancing with Dad to songs like Memories and Love Me Tender. And watching Elvis movies like King Creole and Blue Hawaii with him. All the times we listened to Blue Suede Shoes and Heartbreak Hotel while playing pool down in the basement. Singing along, dancing, laughing. Watching the Elvis bio movie every year (Kurt Russell!) and crying at the end because it always had the same sad ending.

Elvis brings back my childhood, and so many good memories of my Dad. October made 2 years that he’s been gone. And I really miss him.

But it is still a joyful season. We are saved and secure, no matter what happens here we know where will spend eternity and we are loved by a Holy and Awesome God.

While we were all here the weekend after Christmas I got our Christmas Ladder tree up. I am spoiled by how easy it is to put so many cool decorations on the tree. We don’t have a lot of flat surfaces waiting for decorations in the rest of the house, so this year I even put our nativity scene on the tree. (Someone kept inviting Tigger to the nativity.

I didn’t leave an empty spot, but one of the items on the tree is a soft bag and Bluetooth has found that spot quite satisfactory.

My favorite addition to my Christmas decorations this year is the fantastic Christmas Wreath that Edie made for me!

Hopefully no birds will build a nest in this wreath (I guess that means I need to take it down earlier than I did last year).

Thursday night while in Raleigh I got to go hear my nephew singing with his Chorus group. A fine way to begin the season.

Tomorrow night, of course, is our Cantata at Church. Last Monday was a covered dish dinner with some good friends. This coming Monday is a Christmas party / ornament exchange. Family get-together next Saturday. Tis the season. I am very happy to say that we’ve done a better job this past year of staying in touch with family and friends, so this isn’t the only month of the year that we get to see each other. I expect to make next year even better!!

Stay warm and spend time remembering how blessed you are!

But if your next step is to say you are very angry, refuse to make eye contact or listen to what is being said, and stop talking about the issue, then you really haven’t validated my feelings at all. You’ve closed me off and told me I don’t have a right to have feelings about whatever is happening to me.

And my first response is that Dave has no right to be angry about anything, he started all of this with his actions. And he should have known how Alison and the boys, and we would react, so he should have been ready for it. Besides, we’re just trying to talk to him, figure out what he’s thinking, and tell him why we think this is a bad idea.

A more tempered response is that he obviously can be angry, since he is. Perhaps he didn’t think it through and was surprised to find out that not only were people angered and hurt by his actions but actually expected him to talk about it and change his behavior. Preferably change his behavior enough to come home and live his life again. At least stand up and accept responsibility for his behavior and the damage it is doing and work with the people he is hurting to get through this.

But he is the one that opened with the line and then he refused to listen or to respond as if he really felt his son or wife or the rest of us actually had a right to be angry. Or at least that we had a right to express how we felt and why we felt that way and then actually get some useful response from him.

Over the past two days David has commented that his oldest son has been hostile on the 2 visitations and then indicated that he doesn’t want him on the next visitation as a result. Yet, this is actually one of the first people Dave admitted should be angry, and that time in the driveway Dave even said he was surprised the young man wasn’t even angrier than he seemed to be. He’s 15, a teenager, old enough to understand what is going on, and to feel betrayed by the man he called Dad. Like us, he wants answers. Yet when he has stated his feelings, Dave has accused us of coaching him, as if he isn’t capable of feeling this pain and anger all by himself. And when he expresses his anger that Dave won’t talk to or answer the questions of the younger boys, Dave calls it hostile and instead of talking to him simply states he doesn’t want him there.

David is a life coach. He’s someone you call up and work with to help make yourself better, achieve more, and live your dreams. There are things we hold on to, agonize over, and keep dragging around that a life coach has to help us realize should just be let go and walked away from. But there are also things we avoid, ignore, keep procrastinating about dealing with. Here is where the life coach guides you to stand up and face the situation or person or weakness or fear. David seems to be telling himself (and I supposed getting reinforced by someone) that he should just walk away from his family and the quicker the better. For an abused spouse, that may be the way to go (and you don’t leave the kids behind). But for a man to walk out because he wants to be selfish and wants to focus on his business, it is not right or profitable to avoid dealing with the pain and damage he leaves in his wake.

I’ve had a very few people say that perhaps we aren’t being fair to Dave, or that he doesn’t deserve they way we’re treating him. As people say, there are always 2 sides to the story.

I am not sure how what any of us have done is not fair to Dave. So far, Alison has asked him to come home, to see his boys, and to tell her what she did that was so horrible that he can’t live with her or talk to his boys with her around.

Anthony’s website has been from the perspective that as a Christian Dave once felt that what he is doing right now is very wrong. Dave has stated many times through his life that he would never divorce and that his greatest fear was his family breaking up like his did as a child. If we feel that he is doing something that he will someday regret, and if he can’t explain to us why this makes sense, we just don’t want to have him ask us why we didn’t even try to stop him. If what we say shames or embarrasses him, then I guess that shows he does still understand at some level that it is wrong to just walk out of a marriage and stop all communication with family. If he truly doesn’t care, and if the people he does business with don’t think his personal life should interfere with his business life, then he shouldn’t be affected by any of what we are doing. We aren’t trying to just shame him, we want him to rethink and see the results of what he is doing.

My blog entries are more sharing what I’m thinking and feeling and what Alison is thinking and feeling, but I think all of them have shown that we just want to know why he is doing this and that it hurts. I don’t actually expect them to affect Dave, but I do hope maybe someone else reading them will realize that this is a very painful thing to do to someone.

As for there being another side to the story, we aren’t hearing it. He won’t talk to his family (remember, he’s threatened by Anthony), or old friends, or his former pastor. I assume he’s talking to his business associates, but that won’t help us since none of them are likely to call up and help explain it to us.

He’s stopped posting on his blog and made a comment to his lawyer that his business is being affected. I had to laugh at that. Anthony’s website has had a total of 241 visitors in the past 3 weeks. I suspect many of those are people who follow Anthony on Facebook or Twitter, so people who have never worked with or known Dave. Family are seeing it, but those lines were drawn years ago I think. My posts have actually had an average of 20 visits, which I admit is quite a few more than I thought. Either way, compared to the 7,871 Twitter followers and blog followers that Dave has, we aren’t even a drop in the bucket. Searching for Dave Navarro (and skipping all those about the rocker), Rock Your Day or Launch Coach all bring up his sites, but the first 4o or 5 pages of results at least don’t bring up Anthony’s website. And I’m just not convinced that the people who do business with or follow Dave care about what he’s done.

So, let’s review what we’ve done – we’ve played with his sons, comforted his wife (and took her to the hospital when she was dehydrated), helped get her van fixed, run kids to a few events when she had to be in a different direction, and sat with Alison while she cries. Anthony and I and the oldest son tried to talk to Dave one night, and Anthony  made a number of phone calls one night while driving to Raleigh for another visit. (David didn’t answer.) And Anthony has put up a website that has been fruitless as far as we can see.

I guess we should have left Alison crying, called up Dave to congratulate him on such a stellar move, and gone about our lives.

This weekend at our house, I kept looking at the photos of my sister’s children. I never really understood why she walked out, or why she left her children behind when she did it. But we also jumped in to help that time. I helped take care of the boys, reminded Duncan (he was 1 year old the day after she left) that I was not Mommy, tried to coordinate visits and phone calls when she wasn’t nearby to visit. Again, I know there were two sides to that story, but I never really understood her side. I don’t know if she couldn’t express it in a way for me to understand or if I just haven’t experienced a relationship so stifling that leaving everything behind is the only way to get out, without turning to family for support. I loved her and still love her, but she seemed to be taking care of herself so I tried to take care of her boys. Partly because someone needed to do it, and partly because it seemed to be all that I could do for her at the time.

In an older time, when family wasn’t scattered all over the state or the country, sisters and parents and cousins would have done the same thing, it just wouldn’t get much remark. Family steps in to take care of family. The one who walks away and won’t talk is harder to take care of, sometimes all we can do is try to protect and love the ones they left behind.

Or maybe it’s really like the movie The Last Starfighter, and this is the Beta Dave filling in his place while the Real Dave is out fighting to save the Galaxy.

Yeah, sounds wild, but no more wild than thinking Dave would ever do what he’s doing.

Alison keeps saying that she misses Dave. She misses hearing him sing in the shower, trying to move around him in the kitchen, just knowing he is there. He would play lego with the boys in the morning before school or in the evening before bed. He would rub her knee when the arthritis flared up. He would rub her back when it ached, and hold her close while they slept. Just seeing him look across the room and even wink at her – she misses all of it. She misses hearing his voice.

Today while we were hanging around our house, Anthony kicked back and took a nap, which means he snored. That’s a familiar noise and the sound made Alison miss Dave even more. We have photos for the screen saver on the family computer here and we keep seeing photos of David with the kids and of their wedding. It is so nice to see the pictures of happier times, but it also feeds the question again “why is he doing this?”

I am growing a new and deeper appreciation of my husband through this. Sure, some of the things he does annoy me or even frustrate me, but under and around and through all that I do love him. I love hearing his voice, seeing him talk to someone, or help someone, or even napping on the couch. I know that anything I face he’ll be there with me, with words and actions and just his presence.

Alison is facing an incredibly hard time and she is having to do it without her best friend. The second hardest part of this, after not really understanding why Dave is doing this, is that she doesn’t have Dave’s support and encouragement and help.

As I have spent time at Alison’s house, I have missed having my husband nearby, but at least I knew he was still my husband, taking care of things at our house, and just a phone call, email, or text away until the next time we could be together. Alison has lost that, and it looks like it is a permanent loss. Right now communication between Alison and Dave is rare, formal, and focused on a specific subject. He doesn’t call her by name in the emails, and he doesn’t refer to her or her feelings or what she is going through. She has reread the text messages they exchanged from a few weeks before he left, and that is the last time she’ll ever have him tell her he loves her. Those impromptu conversations and expressions of love are ended, they won’t happen again.

Each time they communicate now, or the lawyers communicate, or the boys mention their Dad, or a friend asks how she’s holding up, it brings all the pain back to the front again. And with all of that is the question of whether Dave is missing his best friend. When he came to pick up the boys for the visit, did he avoid looking at Alison because he knew it would hurt to see her and not be able to talk to her? Or was it guilt that he is hurting her so deeply with his actions? Or because it’s easier to not get into the emotional side of this and just do the practical?

Where is Dave and what is he thinking?

But I’m having to reevaluate that. Sometimes the guy isn’t obviously scum, he’s a pretty good guy. He isn’t perfect, but he wants to do a good job of loving his wife and children and providing them support. But life is hard and working for “the man” is depressing and the world sells us dreams of glamour and glory. So he works more hours, or a second job, to bring in more money. Or he starts his own business with dreams of being his own boss one day. There isn’t as much time for the family, but it’s only temporary. And if the wife nags sometimes about how much time it’s taking, reassure her that it will all be great once you get established, you’ll have plenty of time for the family.

In fact, he wants to do such a great job of taking care of his family, that he tells his wife to stay home and not work outside the house. Not necessarily from some male ego that she shouldn’t be contributing to the household, not even jealousy that she may want to talk to other people sometimes, but from some strong desire to be a good enough provider that his wife can (read should) stay at home with the kids and never ever have to work outside the house. This good desire gets a bit twisted when it ignores that the wife may need some external stimulation and exposure, and to use and build skills in a work setting. But the intention is to do what he thinks is the right thing.

He is working so hard to be the provider that he also blocks her out of the finances, reassuring her that there is money for what she and the kids need, so go ahead and buy things, without sharing any details of the good or the struggle. This is a form of protection that is really an insidious curse. Too many women have realized after their husband’s death that they know nothing about their current financial situation or how to make the day to day, short-term and long-term decisions that need to be made. A truly thoughtful husband would regularly discuss their finances, full disclosure, so that the wife is comfortable with how it is all set up in case she ever needs to do anything with it. I can’t relate to this one since I’ve run the finances in our house all our marriage, it’s just my gift and works out well for us.

But this man I’m discussing continues to make decisions on his own, often without soliciting or listening to his wife’s input. And sometimes life throws a curveball that scares him, be it an additional child or buying a house or taking a business to the next level, and instead of revealing all the fears and discussing the complexities and options and sharing that journey with his spouse, he makes abrupt decisions and brooks no discussion from anyone. When it turns out to be a good decision, this works out ok in the short-term but sets a bad pattern for the future. When it is a bad decision it builds a ball of resentment in him that he was forced to make this decision on his own and it didn’t work out.

On the personal side, he may find that discussions with his wife are uncomfortable. She tries to express her feelings and he only sees an implied attack in it, instead of realizing she is really being very trusting and vulnerable with him as she shares these things. Maybe she turns to him for help and he recoils in disgust at someone being so needy or imperfect. It isn’t that he doesn’t love her, just that he isn’t sure how to help her. Perhaps her weaknesses shine a light on his own weaknesses and no one finds that enjoyable. He turns from her in self-protection. Over time, instead of seeing her weaknesses as a special area for his love and protection, he finds himself wearied by the unrelenting need she has for him. Some of this he created himself, refusing her the opportunity for independence and external supports. But the cause does not matter, only the need to get away from it and the constant reminders that he hasn’t been enough for her all these years since she obviously still needs something.

But, this post is about the woman. She has tried to be a good wife, build a good home, and figure out how to meet some of her own needs. Her husband has reassured her that all her fears of a failed marriage are groundless and done his best to convince her by showing her that she doesn’t have to leave the kids to work a job, that he has the finances under control, that he can meet her every need. And she has found all of that hard to believe or trust, but tried not to question him too often, learning to believe him when he promises her that he will always be there. Perhaps he didn’t set out to isolate her, to make her question her ability to do anything on her own, to leave her with no skills or experience outside the house. Surely he did mean to keep his promises made to calm her fears. But life can be difficult, and sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. Or maybe the grass just looks so brown and dry over here. So, one day he’s talking about replacing the carpet and hanging pictures, and the next day he announces that he’s leaving.

His words and actions prove to her that her fear of a failed family and a husband who would leave her was right all along. She is dependent on him for any support of her children or herself, but he’s proven that he’s not trustworthy. Now he is angry and he knows all of her fears and weaknesses because she’s been showing them to him for years. Somehow divorce usually involves the immature so the threats, stilted communication, avoidance behaviors all put the insecure woman at a disadvantage. Maybe it isn’t all mean on purpose, but it is easy to see how a man who used to say he loved you and knows your buttons could be pushing all those buttons now, maybe even without thought like siblings do so often.

I bet you assume this is about Alison and Dave. And of course some of it is. But I’m realizing this is my parents, my aunt, my sister, perhaps even Anthony and Dave’s parents. I’m still trying to understand how a family can end up here, at the bottom of a hole. I want to understand so I can help this family heal, so I can protect my own family, and the families that are dear to me.

And I have a list of men I’m revisiting every once in awhile to remind myself not all men are scum. My husband is at the top of the list, of course. Trent, Don (curmudgeon yes, scum absolutely not), Rick, Bill, Pastor David, Bryan, Jed, Clint, Uncle James, Jerry, Leonard, Mike, the HoJ…

Things changed and Anthony and David were actually without a home for awhile, before moving in with their aunt and grandfather. Anthony stayed focused and got through high school and into college, and out of the house. Then he took care of getting David to a supportive home. What he thought was best for him. And Dave seemed to flourish there, graduating from high school a few years later with flying colors and a good network of friends.

When I met them, they were close but competitive, trying to one-up each other. That seemed to mellow as they matured, although they always enjoyed comparing notes and seemed to have some scorecard they were updating. They both loved computers, and then the internet, and all the gadgets. Dave pulled ahead in the internet marketing and Anthony loved that he could call up Dave and talk about something and pick Dave’s brain for knowledge and experience.

When Alison told us that David had left, we rushed up here. I insisted, I couldn’t imagine David doing this and I couldn’t let Alison go through it alone. The next night David came by the house and we knew it might be our only chance to talk to him. David seemed upset to see us, but eventually agreed to talk, outside in the driveway though, not in the house. We put on coats and headed out. David seemed headed toward his car, so I was a little glad Anthony had moved his truck to at least slow David down if he tried to leave. We just wanted to talk to him.

David turned around and actually started the conversation by stating that he understood why we were there and that he would be doing the same thing in our place. But he quickly moved into being angry that we were there and that we wanted to talk to him. Anthony tried to tell Dave that he was in (spiritual) danger, and we both reminded him that what he was doing was a sin and he should know better.

Anyway, after Dave’s non-explanation, Anthony went to move the truck so Dave could easily get out of the driveway. Dave wasn’t listening to us and he wasn’t clearing anything up, but nothing was to be gained from the stalemate. Anthony moved the truck and I went inside to get warm. A few minutes later Dave was still out there because Alison went out to beg him again to come home and work on their marriage. Finally we all left him standing there and he drove away.

That night Anthony put up his website letters to dave navarro where he posted pictures of Dave’s family to remind him of what he was leaving, and a letter asking him to do what was right and come home. Anthony posted a link to that website on his facebook profile and a few other people visited the site and wrote letters. Anthony has continued to post there, usually pulling words from David’s own business site or interviews and showing how his current behavior makes no sense in light of what Dave has always said.

Dave had a business trip in NY, so Alison and the boys came to spend the weekend with us, and while at our house Alison explained to the younger boys that Dad wasn’t going to be living with them for a while because he had to work, but that he still loves them and will see them as often as he can. While we’ve had conversations with Jacob (15), mostly to give him an opportunity to talk through his feelings, Alison is the only one who has said anything to the younger boys about Dave. Anthony and I don’t want to get into that role of talking about where Dave is or what he’s doing, and Alison has fielded the few comments that have come from them. The younger ones don’t have access to the internet so they haven’t seen the website. Jacob has seen it and doesn’t think it will help things.

Based on one face to face where actually I think Jacob and I did more of the talking, and the website that isn’t even on the first two pages of a Google search of Dave’s name or business, David has declared the house is a hostile environment and that Anthony is exerting some influence over his children to alienate them from their father.

Anthony has been in Charlotte most of the past week and David hasn’t spoken to his two youngest children in over 2 weeks so he has no idea how they feel about him. He has emailed Anthony to threaten that he’s engaging a libel lawyer (sorry Dave, it has to not be the truth to be libel) and gotten his lawyer to tell Alison’s lawyer that she needs to limit Anthony’s access to the boys. Here is a male role-model, being loving, faithful, (with an iPhone and iPad full of cool games), and a large share of Alison’s support base, and David wants to run him off. Why is David doing this to his brother and his wife and children? What are we supposed to think about Dave when this is how he reacts?