Laura’s Imperfect Blog

We are already 10 days into the new year. And most of those days have been very cold. Here are some things we’ve been doing.

I have been reading Pilgrim’s Progress for our book club at the end of the month. I find the book easy to read, but plenty in each chapter to stop and meditate on.

I also read a book called The Speed of Dark by Elizabeth Moon. It’s a novel about the near future when there is a cure for autism. The main character is a man who had a lot of developmental help but was born a little too early for the complete cure. Now there is research that could cure adult autists. The decision for him is if he wants the treatment. The book is really good – we get to see the world through his eyes and see how he thinks, reacts to things, is affected by different situations. And we see a number of other characters who interact with him. Some prove that “normal” is pretty loosely applied and some are more broken than an autist when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Others show a wonderful acceptance and learning of how to be friends with him. I highly recommend this book.

After finishing the book, I came across this blog post with a fascinating video of a young man born with physical handicaps.

I have been trying to get my husband to do some sort of physical exercise for awhile, and he finally said he was interested in doing P90X from BeachBody, with Tony Horton. I hadn’t planned to do it, but I thought if we did it together maybe he’d be more likely to stick with it and do it every day. He built a platform for our home theater so we have a hardwood floor to stand on, and we started last Monday. It has been a great and painful week as we have worked all kinds of muscles. Only 12 more weeks to go!

In addition to reading, and working out, and just plain work, we have also been working on relationships. We have had or scheduled a few dinners, and started the process of scheduling others. We’ve seen family in Raleigh twice and local family a few times. It is quality and quantity and we’re trying to work on both. Each relationship is different and some things are harder or easier with each person. But it is worth it with every single one of them.

Still in keeping with the theme this week of truly loving the people around us, in particular the people we go to church with based on my blog post, I found another blog entry that hits the nail right on the head.

Head over to Pyromaniacs for 5 Ideas for 2010.

I agree with all 5 of these points. The one that will get many people, I think, is praying for the elders. Many expect very quick responses from God right along the lines of what they pray. But if they are truly praying in something even remotely like an attitude of submission to God, then they will be open to see His answers even when they don’t look like the “right” plan, and especially when it involves changing the one doing the praying more than the elder being prayed for.

Go check out the post, as usual, they have good things to say.

My chapter this morning in Andrew Murray’s With Christ in the School of Prayer was about forgiveness and love. Our relationships with our fellow man are important to the effectiveness of our prayer.

Then I found this quote over at Tony Woodlief’s blog.

“My heart only has entrances. It doesn’t have exits. Whoever enters remains there. Whatever he may do, I love him the same as I loved him when he first entered into my heart.” (Elder Epiphanios of Athens).

I like that. I want to have a heart like that and I want to be in hearts like that!

It has been a great Christmas, with time spent with so much of the family. I’ve been thinking about what it means to know these people. Family and friends. The pastor made a remark during the sermon yesterday about how hard “doing church” can be, because we know each other, we know all about each other. We all recognize what he’s saying, but I wanted to argue that if we truly knew ALL about each other church wouldn’t be that hard. I think it’s precisely because we don’t know all there is to know that we struggle so.

First, I know we don’t know all there is to know about ourselves. Each of us has some very serious denial and distortion going on, that keeps us from facing all the bare truth about our self. Sometimes it is the deep dark places that we hide, and sometimes we only see the dark and it is the good that we hide. But we are seldom completely honest about our own motives and desires.

Second, we don’t see everything about another person. That makes it much easier to take things personally and be offended by the words and actions (or lack of words or actions) on their part. Why didn’t they invite me? It must be that they don’t want me, it certainly can’t be that they simply missed my name and had too much on their plate as they go through this busy life. Why didn’t she stop to talk to me? She must not like me, it can’t be that she is intimidated by me or can’t think of something to say, or that someone else is hurting more and needed her attention today.

I had a conversation with my sister-in-law about her youngest son. He is a sensitive soul, with very strong emotions. But those of us with strong emotions learn that in times of danger (when our feelings might be misunderstood or abused) we should hide all emotions from everyone. He has a type A kindergarten teacher who is an in-your-face sort of person. When this small 5 year old learning how to made decisions makes the wrong one she calls him on it immediately and impersonally, and then wonders why he shows no remorse. Of course, she can’t see the agony going on inside or the tears shed at home. She thinks she knows all about him and has labeled his behavior. But, again I argue that if she truly knew all about him, she would love him too much to label him or to assume the worst about his motives.

We think we know people because we can predict their behavior and recognize their reactions. But we often don’t truly understand the reasons and motives behind all of that. It is easy to depersonalize it and attribute our own theories of motives to those behaviors – that is what makes church hard. We assume they aren’t really loving or aren’t growing or are insensitive to what others need.

Loving someone doesn’t always mean we understand them completely either, but it certainly changes the type of motives we attribute to them. We find good reasons they would do what they do, even when they make mistakes. I think those motives are more often closer to the truth.

I find sometimes that I want to tell someone that their actions are wrong or hurtful, but unless I am doing it out of a deep love for them, I can’t find good words to talk to them. I don’t like it when people try to give me constructive criticism that isn’t coming from a heart of love. I think that’s why a single word from my husband hold so much power over me. I know he is really searching for the best for me and from me – for my good. It’s why a kindergarten teacher can’t get the best behavior out of a precious little boy.

Friendship is a good thing. Friendship is a hard thing. It can be easy and shallow and wide and life is just always fun. But if you do it right, it gets messy and you don’t always say the right things or even have the right things to say.

Years ago Anthony and I started meeting with a few couples to have dinner, get to know each other better, discuss marriage, and build a foundation. The point was a long-term plan, so that if any of us ever ran into troubles, we’d have others we trusted and knew that we could turn to. Last week, the last couple of that group left our church. And as each couple has left the church, each relationship has become more distant. How did we lose touch? Sure, children came along and getting together seemed harder to do. But not impossible.

So, as I realized how these things had turned out, I asked myself why I’m not a better friend. Why don’t I do a better job of keeping the relationships going and sticking to people even when it’s not convenient or easy. This isn’t a guilt trip, but an honest desire to see where I can do better.

The quick questions: Am I trying to do this with too many people? For that original group of friends that was supposed to grow into an accountability group of close friends, did we not have enough in common? How do we meet with people we can share this stage of life in and prepare for the next stage of life? While also developing some relationship with people in other stages of life. What about all the people in church or in our community who feel left out? Some days it’s just easier to stay home.

Part of it is that I do best in very small groups, one-on-one is even better. I can sometimes do a beach trip type event and talk to several people in small conversations during the time, but then comes the effort to sustain something out of that. To build something.

I remember when we first moved to NC and praying that I would make a few friends. We were here for 2 years before I really felt I had made a friend. It was just one of those times when the people I worked with were in other states, weekends were spent with the nephews, neighbors were changing frequently. It just wasn’t easy to meet people and make good friends. At least not for me. Then slowly a few relationships started to grow. One or two years after that I could look at 3 really close friendships and a handful of others.

The harder questions: Where do I spend my time? How much time do I spend praying for my friends? Is the schedule too full of stuff that people get squeeze out? (Don’t ask me how many books I’ve managed to read this year.) Why don’t I pick up the phone more often? Am I ready to share more of my struggles with friends? Am I too afraid of not being liked to reach out to someone new?

This week I reconnected with an old friend I haven’t spoken to since junior high. We have had dinner with a young couple. I had a positive email exchange with a friend who needed someone to speak truth in the midst of a frustrating situation. While looking at pictures of Hawaii, the friend we traveled with called for a spur of the moment dinner with good conversation, then it turned into a movie night. We have had fun planning a Thanksgiving weekend with family and friends we don’t see enough of. I heard from a friend who needs to talk. Life is full, love is abundant, we grow and we learn.